Today, I m going to share five kinds of guy types that have the potential to be physically and/or psychologically abusive. By psychological abuse -I mean mental and emotional abuse. This one here is for my Sisters;someday I shall have to put up the five girl types that are or will most likely be abusers because men are abused too.
You may be in an abusive relationship, you may know someone who is in one and you may be in one but you are denying it. This post right here is for you. Read it, identify and start to fortify yourself because an Abuser will not let you go easily and even when or if he does, you are so battered and shattered, you may lose the zest for life (not that you are going to die or something but trust me, if your guy is an abuser, you may end up there in spirit or in the flesh). I get it when a sister says to her friends that she never knew the dude was abusive; it seemed like you woke up one morning and found out that you never knew this person as he had changed.
But the signs are there, definitely not cast in stone but there are there and I should give you examples.
1. The Isolation Guy
If you are in a relationship for up to three months, scratch that, even a month and you do not know your guy’s friends, his family members or anything at all related to the guy, it just might be a sign that your guy is or will be physically or/and psychologically abusive. Like the dude who besides the mention of his Mother and a select group of friends who were to eventually access me and declare me fit to be his babe/wife, I never knew his friends, colleagues or anyone. That is a red flag right there. If the guy is active in your church,for instance, and does not want even your friends to know you are dating because he wants to preserve the virtue of your relationship,run away. Yep, same guy was very active in church but wanted us to be discreet; he was like let it be a surprise to the whole church when we start our pre-marital classes and I wondered why the whole church had to be interested in our relationship. In fact, he hit the roof when I told him I had told a respected leader in church we were dating. Did I tell you that was the reason he broke up with me (the first of many, until I received some sense and ended it) I am all for discretion in relationships but this is not like smuggling bibles into an anti-bible country. This is a relationship. It is either you are ashamed to be with me or you are ashamed of me.
PS: The same leader in church asked me to run. The guy’s matter was not here.
2. The “I-can’t-help-it-if-girls-are-all-over-me” Guy
This one is interesting. A guy who is with you and he just seems to always be on the phone with ladies, for instance at work,and who also points out the ladies to you, like”That’s Cecilia, she likes me and is into me” or, “I can’t help it if Cecilia is into me”, might be a future abusive guy. You come across his text messages with not one but two or three different ladies and he tells you the ladies are all into him(He is not into them,no)Seriously. That is some narcissistic tendency right there, feeling like he is God’s Adonis to women meanwhile he is the average guy. I know someone who, when she was dating, the guy said such things to her, like he needed help from the blazing fire of his persona that attracted ladies to him. I used to wonder, if the ladies like you and you chose someone, should you not put checks and balances to protect the babe you have “chose” as wife? Turns out that he was not also emotionally abusive, he is physically abusive as well.
What this kind of guy does to you is to make you feel like he is doing you a big favour choosing you and so you have to fight to ensure that you keep him since there are so many women already vying for his attention. That is insane.
3. The Jealous Guy
Jealousy is not such a bad thing in my opinion. However, an overdose of jealousy becomes overkill. I had a friend that constantly gushed about how her boyfriend was so in love with her, he could not bear to be without her. He was not just jealous if she was with a man, if she was with me or her girlfriends, he would pout until she left us to go meet him or he would join us and she would leave with him. He was always calling or texting or video calling. One time, they had an argument where he accused her of paying more attention to his friend than him and while she explained that she was trying to be hospitable, he got so emotional and punched a window pane and it shattered.
Oh my God, this was the stuff of the romance Mills and Boon. So much affection that he had to express and hurt himself physically to mirror his internal pain. A few years in marriage and he has so much affection he expresses it smack on her face. Once a guy becomes too into your life and shows hurt anytime you want to hang out with your friends and throws tantrums as an expression of his love, get your boxing gloves ready. He will love you to your death.
4. The Withdrawal Guy
Ha! Better watch out for this one. If you and your boyfriend have an argument and suddenly he is very withdrawn for days or weeks despite you apologising and regardless of whose fault it was, cutting you off, not calling, rarely answering your calls, withdrawing affection, always busy so much so that you have noticed a pattern and would rather not upset him to avoid being ignored.
If this is you, chances are you are in a physically or psychologically abusive relationship. He will withdraw all emotions from you like he were withdrawing all his deposits from his account at the ATM. So Isolation guy used to do this, although his was slightly different. He would say he would call you when he was ready to talk a out the relationship and that would take weeks, he would say he could not hug you because he was hurt and once hurt, his trust was broken.
There is a guy I know who when he gets with his girlfriend,he blocks her off all his social media accounts and would only communicate by text. The day you get married and you upset him in a one bedroom apartment, God save you if he has no money to rent a hotel room,I shudder to think what he will do when he cannot avoid the confrontation. If you are dependent on him for financial aid, honey, you know there is no pocket money for you that week. My advice? If he still keeps up with this attitude despite your confronting him, leave him be;you need people who will deposit in you and not withdraw.
5. The Controlling Guy
You already know who this is. He is the guy that wants to control your every move, your money, your dreams and your life;you are no longer in the driving seat of your life but he his-you are probably a passenger in front with him or worse seated behind him. Back to my Isolation guy.
Mehn, now that I think of it, he was all shades of messed up and downright abusive. The guy had great plans for me no doubt but the problem was they were 90% his dreams for me and 10% mine. A recipe for disaster. Since he knew I wanted to write, he said my pseudonym would be “something Alexandria something del torro” or so. Like, I had turned Italian. He wanted me to write hot, racy and raunchy sexual stories (prayer warrior that he was) but did not want it in my name and associated with him. Then he had like a list of 50 book titles he wanted me to work on plus the number of books I had to finish, sorry, churn out every month(When you hear titles like “The Dark Horse”, you have an idea what kind of book it is going to be) and how I would do the grand unveiling revealing me as the author, Madame “Something Alexandria something del torro”. He wanted me to dress like Kim Kardashian because he said I had the potential to look like that, he wanted me to wear weaves all the time (Brazilian mind you, which he was not paying for) and hated my transitioning to natural hair.
Now, if someone comes and tells you all these, obviously, you are going to bail but trust me, he will do it in such subtle ways, it will shock you when you are sucked in at the kind of abusive man you have been with.
My advice? Have someone you are accountable to in your relationship (including him) and make sure your guy respects or “fears” that person. I have always said in a relationship, you observe with microscopic glasses and in marriage, you use rose-coloured glasses (I think I got this from someone or somewhere but the lesson is still the same). We hear horrifying stories on a day to day basis of an abusive boyfriend who hurt a girl either because she did not know he was that abusive or she was too sucked in, she could not pull out. There you have it- five guy types or personalities whose behaviour hinge on abuse. You got other types of guys or other signs, drop a note down below and tell me about it.
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